esse quam videri.

"No one, for any considerable period of time, can wear one face to himself and another to the multitude without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the truth."

for thousands of reasons, this quote has been frequently pillaging my mind lately, starting a tumultuous whirlwind of thoughts and rebuttals to them. there are many daily instances that occur that spring this to the front of my mind, and it evolves into some internal itching that i can't scratch. i think of it each time i engage in small-minded gossip when i tell myself that making judgments won't improve my own character. it makes me so frustrated with myself; placing falsehoods in the impression i make on other people, perhaps so i can stay in their game. and i can't explain why. i think of it whenever someone confides in me a nasty opinion about a close friend of theirs, but never confronts the other person. i let them do this constantly, as if i am okay with the fact that they are endlessly spurious with others.

even by realizing this, i can't seem to escape this habit.
i am a multi-layered person to begin with.
but when do multiple layers turn into multiple faces?
there must be a line somewhere.

this struggle with myself is more a battle than a quarrel; and much like gettysburg, there will be stubborn bloodshed.

i really don't want to get so caught up in my peers that my beliefs become foggy.
and i definitely don't want to be the person i find myself pretending to be sometimes.
i hope that someday i will be who i am.

esse quam videri:
- to be rather than to seem.





-c.



soundtrack: the fray, the wallflowers, iron & wine.