floorboards.

john wayne gacy, jr. you've most likely heard this name. i researched the story thoroughly when i first came across the song by sufjan stevens, telling his story from a different angle. it still implements a certain disquiet in me every time i think about it.

the man inflicted massive amounts of devastation on multiple people's lives. he raped and murdered at least thirty-three young men. lives that were brutally ended much too soon by a man who would dress as a clown and entertain children. twenty-six of them were buried in his basement, in a crawlspace beneath the floorboards. while in prison, he painted pictures of clowns, stating that he was fond of them because "a clown could get away with murder." he showed no remorse for his actions. this kind of man makes many (especially in texas, where i live) root for the death penalty, that of which he received slowly, taking eighteen minutes to complete due to errors in the process. people held execution parties and supposedly cheers erupted from crowds when he was pronounced dead.

i cannot imagine the pain of losing someone i love to the fate that those boys met. i cannot imagine the pain of losing someone i love to the darkness that john gacy, jr. allowed to control him.

more than once, young men pressed charges on gacy for battery and rape, but they were always dropped. the police disregarded leads that pointed in his direction throughout the investigation of the victims' disappearances. gacy volunteered in his community and even received a pin giving him "special clearance" from the secret service during a visit from first lady rosalynn carter.

was it right to kill him or any other human who has received this sentence? i don't have the answer for this, really. i've never had to deal with this kind of situation, and i hope i never will. i tell myself i don't believe in the death penalty. i don't believe in abortion, and the two are essentially the same thing. "the death penalty executes bad people, cimara. not innocent children." how do you know the babies you strive to save won't do awful things? is it our duty to determine whether he deserved it or not? who are we to say "this person is bad enough that we can murder them with a clear conscience."

bad people.

we are all bad people. we are all good people.
but most of us are really bad at being good people.

reading about this atrocious behavior makes most feel as though their tiny faults and dishonest acts are less important. in a way, it sort of allows the lowering of standards for themselves. "at least i'm not like him." but are we really so different?

we are all capable of wreaking the magnitude of havoc he did, are we not? not one of us lives without darkness stirring inside us somewhere. that monster we have to fight day in and day out. am i any better than mr. gacy? do i not make mistakes? do i not have undignified secrets? do i not hurt people and manipulate people at points in my life? have i never stolen self-worth from people? even though the acts i perform are more socially acceptable, they are still wrong. i know the crimes are wrong when i commit them. we don't live on a point system.


sins are sins, and you and i are no better than john wayne gacy, jr..

and in my best behavior, i am really just like him.
look beneath the floorboards, for the secrets i have hid.*








- c.



soundtrack: *sufjan stevens.